100 Questions: Day 42

Where have I been settling? 

When I think of the word “settling”, it always make me think of accepting the status quo; that whatever it is currently is how it’ll always be.  In my current situation, I have created a barrier around myself that I have become very comfortable with. 

Online streaming services has allowed me to be a real homebody. Social media keeps me connected and isolated at the same time. E-commerce has eliminated any reason to go shopping. Text messages compensates having to spend time with those I know. And even though I have moments where I feel overwhelmed and burned out, all the messages around me tells me that this is the future. 

I’ve settled. 

  
Tarot Card of the Day: Seven of Wands. A single wand stands up tall, a blazed with light. The others fall in the shadows. Such is the story of the Seven of Wands. You’ll not find any strength or support from others, only yourself. Time to be truly courageous and stand up for your beliefs. You may feel overwhelmed with caution and fear, but your internal fire will guide your way. 

100 Questions: Day 41

What situation in my life turned out to be a blessing in disguise? 

The day I got rejected for Financial Aid. The moment I got denied, the whole world got quiet. I couldn’t hear anything; even though I’m sure the advisor was asking me a slew of questions as I was walking out. I just knew I didn’t want to cry over what this “no” meant: that I had to drop out of college. What happened next was a snowball effect. I lost my job, ended a relationship, and moved back home. 

So where was the blessing? When I was in college, my major was okay but it wasn’t my choice. It was my parent’s choice. My relationship was okay and my ex was a good man, but I wasn’t happy towards the end. I wanted marriage to keep some form of comfort. I wasn’t thrilled about going home, but I had a daughter who I barely knew and she resented me greatly for leaving her. Who I was was the making of other people. My identity had collapsed and it sent me into a deep depression. 

That darkness helped me see the light. Had I not been uprooted, I would’ve kept living for others instead of myself. I would’ve resented the ones I love instead of being comfortable with being myself. I wouldn’t have even bothered being on this spiritual journey that I’m on now. By shedding everything I was told to be, I’ve been given the room to be who I’ve always wanted to be. 

  
Tarot Card of the Day: Strength. It’s common to think of this card as the roaring, devouring side of the lion. But look again….the “strength” this card suggests is a much deeper force that’s found within. The lion represents our most patient, composed self. He’s the master of focus, compassion, and self control. When this card comes up, you’re in need of harnessing this power for yourself. All the courage you need can be found in the heart. 

100 Questions: Day 40

What dream have I ignored, but keeps coming back? 

When I was 20, I applied for college, both in state and out. I had received two rejection letters from in state schools, but my spirits were high. Then, on my birthday, I got accepted to a school in Georgia; 900 miles away from home. My mom was against it, but I saw this as a sign. Needless to say, I went down South. 

My senior year of college, I got a nudge to move somewhere else. One day, the driver of the shuttle asked me what I planned to do after college. 

“Something is telling me to move to Chicago.” 

“Do you have family there?” 

“No. But I just have this feeling that I should be there.” 

The driver looked back at me and asked, “Is it the feeling of being shot?!? It’s dangerous up there.” 

And cold. Brutally cold. I didn’t have faith in it then, but every once in a while, I think of what kind of woman I’d be if I had just followed my gut and moved to Chicago instead of DC. The more I see a lot of Black holistic practitioners emerging from Chicago, the more I feel that I missed out. Was this the group I should’ve connected with?  Then I thought of moving back to Atlanta, but something about it never seemed to sit right in my heart. I’m lowkey a nomad at heart and want to live in as many places as I can and want. 

Now, my instinct tugs on that inner person again. This time, it’s California. From subliminal dreams to online quizzes to reading blogs and watching traveling shows, I feel my heart out there. I don’t know when, but when my gut says “It’s time!” I’m packing my duffle bag and taking the leap. I ignored the nudge once, I won’t do it again. 

  
Tarot Card of the Day: Daughter of Pentacles. You’ll usually find the Daughter of Pentacles behind the scenes rather than out in the spotlight. Though quite shy, she’s extremely hard working and responsible. She handles details and logistics well; people depend on her. She has a vast amount of inner strength. Like all of the Pentacles family, she thrives when in nature. 

100 Questions: Day 39

What can I do with my current limitations? 

I stepped on the scale this morning and saw a 30 pound increase from two years ago. I have a interesting relationship with my body and my weight. My weight is a reflection of where I am in my life. 

When I was a kid, I got heavier after being sexually harassed by men twice my age. My weight (and subsequent baggier clothes) was a way to make myself “undesirable” to men and boys alike. In college, my weight gain was a result of being free to do what I want, when I wanted. I was undisciplined and unfocused; finding comfort and more “happy” weight with my almost 400lbs boyfriend.  When I was 28 and deeply depressed, my weight loss was due to me wanting to do whatever I can to pull me out of my funk and feel better about Life again. 

So…if you’ve been following my questions these past 38 days, then you know why this weight came back. During my morning meditation, I realized that I’m unhappy. Unhappy with my job, unhappy at home, and just left a toxic relationship. The weight is a result of me coping with situations I felt were out of my control. This weight was brought on by food that made me happy, because that was the only way I could experience it. 

So what can I do now? Redefine what happiness means to me. Find reasons to smile daily. For me, that’s getting back into the gym. I like group classes where I sweat it out; it doesn’t feel like a workout and even when it does, I know I’m better for it. On the train ride, do some visualizations. How do I want my workday to feel like? Sound like? Same with my living situation. I have to shift my perception and get back to that girl who wanted to feel better by any means. 

  
Tarot Card of the Day: Six of Swords. The Six of Swords is a kind card, indicating a recovery from difficult times. Hope is on the horizon, things will get better. It’s important to rest, revitalize, and surround yourself with joyful friends. Plan a trip, short or long. Even getting out of town for the weekend will further lift your spirits. 

100 Questions: Day 38

What healthier habits can I start? 

This should be a fun question to answer. So, here I go! 

  • waking up 15 minutes earlier to meditate
  • eating whole, nutrient-rich foods
  • not laying on a guilt trip if I prefer a cupcake over couscous 
  • eliminating the speech “you are what you eat” as a means of punishment
  • reciting daily affirmations in the mirror
  • oil pulling (great for allergy season) 
  • getting off a stop before mines and walking 
  • spending time outdoors and soaking in some sun 

  

Tarot Card of the Day: Nine of Cups. This is s card of wishes come true. When the Nine of Cups appear, worries and fears will be cast away. A new phase of peace and harmony awaits. The world seems to be granting your every wish. Good health, happiness, and even material gains are heading your way. Enjoy! 


100 Questions: Day 37

What long-term success am I working to create? 

I looked at this question and immediately went to the physical; more specifically professional success and immediately got sad. I tried seeing how I wanted my life to look in 20-30 years and it was just black. I couldn’t see that far, even with my overactive imagination.  My whole life, I was told that I was unfocused and that I needed to “grow up.” Truth is, I never felt compelled to be fixed on one career for my whole life; figured Life was too grand and vast to do just ONE thing all my life. 

So I go directly to my personal realm and the answer popped up immediately: being comfortable in my own skin. That includes but not limited to trusting my gut and standing up for myself.  I’m slowly becoming a reformed People Pleaser, but I get stuck on this Team Player kick; especially when I’m sacrificing my happiness for the sake of the team. This is very apparent at my current job where I have cancelled dates, skipped out on mommy-daughter time, even forgoe sleep to work extra shifts at work. Lately, one of my co-workers consistently takes off on weekends and weekdays, leaving me and one other person to pick up his slack. Today, I realized I’m not having it. 

I’m working towards being okay with me and the decisions I make for myself. I have a big heart so I do take others into consideration. However, I have to get comfortable with me. Also in this umbrella, working to love who looks back at me in the mirror. 

  
Tarot Card of the Day: Ace of Swords (another favorite of mines). When lightning strikes, the whole world seems to light up for just one second. It’s as though you can “see everything” and this vision lingers on even through the storm. Such is the power of the Ace of Swords. Your mind will become clear, your thoughts precise. A great time to make those decisions you’ve been putting off. 

100 Questions: Day 36

What flaw that I hide from others can I reveal? 

On my path to self-discovery, I came across a book that was instrumental in changing how I perceived myself and others. That book, is don Miguel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements. The third agreement has been my biggest challenge because it happens to be a flaw of mines. 

Don’t make assumptions. 

I’m a person who can really be “in my head” a lot; over analyzing and creating scenarios that doesn’t exist. This has also caused me to completely judge a book by its cover and stopped me from taking risks in life. I believe having someone aware that I can make assumptions from the minor (the office cafeteria food is gross) to the major (you’ll struggle if you move out of state), is a benefit. Being aware of it myself has allowed me to look at how I think of a circumstance or person and say to myself, “Do you know that for a fact, or are you making assumptions?” 

I make unhealthy assumptions sometimes. 

  

Tarot Card of the Day: Death (one of my favorites). We spend most of our lives denying death altogether…so when this card appears, it’s easy to get frightened or to think it’s “bad”. Don’t let the drama of the card distract you from the message: something in your life needs to end. It needs closure. This will happen voluntarily or involuntarily. Either way, you will feel a positive transformation begin after the initial forms of suffering have past. 

100 Questions: Day 35

In what ways can I appreciate myself more? 

This morning, I got the urge to start jogging. So I strapped on my favorite running sneakers, grabbed my headphones, and ran 3 miles. It was cool and comfortable and with the few people heading to church or work, I was running alone. When I got back home, I decided to turn my shower to a relaxing bath. I added Dead Sea salt and drops of cinnamon oil and just melted away. Afterwards, I opened all the windows that I could and fixed myself some french toast. It was an exceptional Sunday morning. 

Usually through the week, I’m rushing from one task to the next; often neglecting myself in the process. The reason I appreciate my weekends is not because I have the time off from work, but it’s the time(s) of the week where I get to focus on myself. I pay attention to what I need in that moment. So how can I appreciate myself more? By doing one thing for me and nobody else. From a quiet moment with my favorite cup of tea to sun salutations to even a 10 minute twerk before heading to work, I will bring something into my day for me. 

  

Tarot Card of the Day: Four of Swords. Though threating swords loom above, the lamb stays in stillness and without fear. The Four of Swords calls for you to look inward and find the mental power to cope with the pressures. It’s important to rest. Meditate or seek literature that focuses on quieting the mind. Take this time to recuperate and move inward before the swords strike. 

100 Questions: Day 34

What current situation in my life have I been resisting? 

Lately, I’ve been dreaming about an ex a lot. For the past month or so, after not seeing or speaking to him for 5 years, I’ve had vivid dreams of him. This is an ex that I was with the longest; 5 years. He was suppose to be my “one” until three years into our relationship, something told me he wasn’t my husband. I watched this ex via social media fall in love with another woman. Then, he got engaged, which I already knew.  So I’ve been doing the necessary work to be at peace with our relationship being done, and I felt I was making great progress. 

But this year, he’s been re-appearing in my dreams. The dreams have varied from us getting back together to him posting about his wife’s pregnancy on Instagram. Normally when I dream about someone more than once, I take it as a sign, but I know my reality. I struggle with reaching out to him and letting it all go. Plus, what would I say? We’re no longer friends, which has hurt me the most about our seperation. I guess that’s what I’m resisting: the impulse to become the “hey stranger!” ex. 

  

Tarot Card of the Day: Two of Wands. With the Two of Wands it’s clear you’re on your way to success. You’ve focused on a goal and have boldly pointed all efforts into that direction. Since this suit deals with the mind, take this time to become aware of your thought patterns, specifically towards yourself. What is the quality and tone of your thoughts? Mostly positive or negative? How well do you treat yourself on the journey to your highest dream? 

100 Questions: Day 33

Where in my life do I feel forced to take action? 

Where I live right now is nice, but I know that I’ve grown as much as I can here. I want a space that I can call my own. I want to be able to light my incense and burn sage without offending anyone. I love cooking in a kitchen with the windows and blinds open; playing music I like. I want to be the morning person I like being without having to be mindful that others are asleep. 

I feel the pressure to move within this home, too. Simply put, we’re all being cordial without looking at the huge pink elephant in the room. I don’t want to rush into a lease to a place I don’t love just to say I live alone. Plus, the urge for me to move out of this state has been coming up a lot as well. So I feel in limbo. I know I’m moving, I feel I should be moving, but something is saying “not right now.” 

When that time does come (and it is coming soon), I will pack everything and leave. Divine order is what I’m operating on. 

  

Tarot Card of the Day: Son of Wands. The Son of Wands is a true charmer. He’s adventurous, handsome, and seems to say all the right things. Some call him a “white knight” of the tarot. But at some point you may find he becomes hard to know. Trust your instincts with this one…perfection is an illusion. 

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