100 Questions: Day 90

What act of kindness can I do right now? 

I recently had a chat with my mom and we were talking about a variety of subject but since we’re in the season, naturally the conversation turned to Thanksgiving dinner and what was being served. I was looking to hearing about what time dinner would be and what time should I be ready.  I know my mom, even though she complains, always does it up big for Thanksgiving and I wanted to be ready.


But that’s exactly it, my mom complains. Not because it’s Thanksgiving because my mother has always shown her love for us in the food she cooks. No, she complains because as she gets older, cooking so much food alone is a daunting task for her. She gets tired easier and is a diabetic. So I volunteered to help her in the kitchen today with prepping. She stubbornly said no, but I’m going over there anyway. She’ll fuss that I’m in her way, and I’ll chop up as many onions as she needs. She’ll criticize how long its taking me to snap peas, but she’ll make sure I learn how she makes her lemon cake so moist.

When you show a random act of kindness, it has a way of spreading into other areas of life and touches a variety of people. It really is like the gift that keeps on giving. I’m not saying you should help your mom out in the kitchen to show kindness. A random act of kindness could be helping someone with their bags, or telling that co-worker they look nice today, or giving up your seat to someone on the subway. Whatever it is, random acts of kindness not only makes the other person feel good, but you’ll get the residual feel goods as well.

100 Questions: Day 89

Where have I allowed “No” to stop me? 

A very interesting conversation came up this morning about crushes. More specifically, why you wouldn’t approach someone that you like. I remember the first and last time I approached a guy I liked.

After spending much of my middle school years letting guys approach me and being comfortable with “crushes”, in high school I was determined to be bold and fearless and go after the object of my affection: a tall, lanky basketball player named Omar. I knew the day he came into the cafeteria that day that we would be a couple and he’d buy me balloons and flowers just because he knew they were my favorite, and we would be the “it” freshmen couple. I was convinced Omar would be my high school sweetheart. So one day, when we were both in the hallway, alone, together…I felt this was my moment. I stopped him and told him that I was attracted to him. His response? He touched my shoulder and said, “Okay.”

aubrey parks

I was crushed and even though no one was around, I was humiliated. I had put myself in a vulnerable situation and my feelings weren’t reciprocated. I didn’t know how to handle the rejection because up until that point, I had never been rejected. I was the one doing the rejecting.  That “no” withdrew me from ever approaching a guy again, which I have maintained to this day. But that “no” didn’t just stop me from approaching a guy that I like for a fear that he’d be lukewarm to my advances. That “no” stopped so much more than that. It stopped me from taking risks and going after what it is that I truly desired.  The word “no” made me doubt myself and my decision making. But I’ve decided that “no” can actually be reminder that I was brave enough to go after something I desired.


“No” can be a setback, sure! And in the proper context, “no” can be beneficial. But “no” shouldn’t be the end all, be all. “No” shouldn’t make you doubt yourself or what you bring to the table. So….don’t let the “no” discourage you anymore. I know I won’t.


100 Questions: Day 88

What desire do I need to revisit? 

Source: sukieblackmore.deviantart.com

Source: sukieblackmore.deviantart.com

I love books. Always have and always will. I love the cover art. I love flipping through pages (sorry Kindle that I got for Christmas and barely use!). If you check my Amazon cart right now, you’d see no less than two books in my cart; ready to be purchased. So you would think that I read all the time. Sadly, I don’t.

When I was growing up, I could read a book in three days. This was during all those late night science projects, finally getting my own phone line, new games for the Sega Genesis era. I still found the time to get a good book and finish it before the week was over. But as I got older, it seems that reading is a chore for me; even if the book is fiction. I want to contribute it to the change in society; we live in a 24 hour news cycle. Social media has me reading 30 different things within a day. I get information quick and easily digestible. My attention span has definitely shortened. I have way more television channels and DVR so I can let my brain rest for a while. Even when I was taking public transportation and kept a book in my purse, I still wasn’t reading in three days. I’d actually be lucky if I read a book in three months!


This week, I woke up and picked up the book, Zen: The Art of Making a Living, and was immediately inspired after just reading the preface. I’m in between jobs right now, so I have the free time to read all of the books I’ve collected over the years. I have books that I’ve started that I can finally finish. When I’m not looking for another job or working on strengthening my internet presence, I can read. Who knows, one of those books that I’ve collected can come in handy for a job I may have (thanks, random interest in Marketing and Advertising!). But one thing still stood in my way: social media. I realized that I spend a great chunk of my time involved online and at times, it becomes a distraction to what I really want or even need to do in my day. So for the last two days, I’ve replaced social media time with reading and I’m almost done with a book I started reading in September!

I’ll work on the balancing act later, or maybe I’ll decide reading is more important to me than being on the Internet talking about everything and nothing at the same time. I love reading and in a time in my life where I need to really get back in touch with what I love, this has been amazingly refreshing.

100 Questions: Day 87

Where can I stop second-guessing my own judgement? 


This answer can be found in the gut. More specifically, my gut. See, I happen to be a very intuitive person and I get “gut feelings” all the time.  The problem that I’ve had with them is I don’t always pay attention to them. Like that time when I was 18 and my gut told me not to go to the club but to church on New Year’s instead. I ignored my gut and went to the club anyway, only to get separated from my friends and have a drunk guy follow me for blocks at 4 in the morning. Another prominent “gut talk” was when I was a Junior in college. I was in love with my then boyfriend and my gut told me that he would never be my husband. Once again, I ignored my gut and continued on with my relationship for several more years; each one becoming worse than the last until ultimately physical space (like, 4 states) had to be put between us to break up. Oh, and he’s happily married.

Fast forward to my Internet Crush who I met this past summer. He’s intelligent, attractive, funny, and he’s the first guy in a while that I’ve felt completely and utterly comfortable around. Just being in his presence makes me feel completely at ease. At first thought, he’s the culmination of prayers answered for me. I finally felt I could exhale and slip into a rewarding and long lasting relationship. But then my gut started talking to me. After our second date, my gut said as I approached the car:

There’s someone else he likes more than you. He’d rather pursue her than be with you. 

I was crushed, shattered, and hurt. I finally felt like I was making progress and then this. It felt more like a failure than a setback to me. So naturally, I wanted to avoid it. I started telling myself that this couldn’t be true; we have too much in common and we like being together, right? Even online he alludes to having the same attraction to me…or maybe my gut is right and I can’t see past what I want for what’s real. You know, my Internet Crush’s favorite phrase is “Manage your expectations” and I found myself in a situation where I wasn’t doing that. Because I wanted to be open and expect the best. But, I can’t shake my gut. I’ve seen the fallout of what happens when I ignore, question, or even second-guess my gut.

So as much as I don’t want it to be so, my gut don’t lie.

100 Questions: Day 86

What recent situation do I blame myself for? 

This past weekend, I had an inevitable fallout with a very close friend that actually took place in the course of three days. See, we find ourselves in similar situations in the sense that we both lost our jobs and have to start over. Where I’m more of a regroup and refresh person, she likes to go out to bars and to “get away” from the issues. Recently, I have been super careful about the money I spend. Basically, I’m becoming a hoarder which stems from a fear of being without (but you could see that, now couldn’t you?). So everytime she has asked me to go out with her, a part of me wanted to be her friend in need, while the sensible person wants to save my last paycheck to pay off my bills. Needless to say, she’s become very annoyed with me completely flaking out at the last minute.

you way or my high way different opinion,opposite disagreement o

Sunday was going to be the day we hung out and enjoy a live concert. It sold out within minutes of going on sale, so for weeks we had discussed what we would do that day. So the day of the concert, we both ended up doing exactly what we usually do. For me, it was getting to the venue early enough to stand in line (because it was general admission) to get some great seats. I prepared for my friend to be late because this particular artist isn’t her favorite, but she’ll go along with it anyway. But during my time in the venue, I befriended the people who surrounded me; they became my friends for the evening. We laughed, took shots, and when the concert started (and no word from my friend), we enjoyed the show. I was around people who had the same passion and love for seeing this artist that I did. My friend overbooked herself with an interview within hours of the concert, which afterwards she made other stops along the way. She made plans to see the people she wanted to see and did the things she wanted to do and then decided to come to the concert, which by that time the venue was not only packed, but it was closed. I informed her via a text and since then, she’s been posting not-so subtle posts about it on social media.

I won’t say that I blame myself for the rift that has occurred between us, however I do take responsibility for not being upfront and honest about how I was feeling and what I was going through. What eventually happened on Sunday was a culmination of previous mistakes being held against me (and righfully so).  I have accepted my fault in this. I have also accepted that we will see this situation completely different. Both of us are right….and wrong. Only time will tell if we’ll mend our relationship but given the recent post, time is what it’ll take.

100 Questions: Day 85

What dream have I been ignoring? 


I love The Alchemist. It is by far one of my favorite books of all times. One of the stories that stuck out to me immediately was when Santiago began to work for the Shopkeeper. The Shopkeeper had a dream to one day visit the holy city Mecca. He worked at his crystal shop day in and day out, saving to one day make it to Mecca. When Santiago informs the Shopkeeper that Mecca was just over the wall, you realize that the Shopkeeper already knew that. The Shopkeeper was more interested in holding on to the dream of one day getting to Mecca, than to actually take the risk and go to Mecca. Why would he do that? Well, Mecca is what he lives for and the moment he reaches Mecca, then he felt he would have nothing else to live for. He has resigned his fate in life to just keeping up his crystal shop and holding onto the dream of Mecca.


During my meditation this morning, this part of the story flooded into my mind. I started asking myself, “Why are you afraid to live the life you’ve always dreamed of?” and the Shopkeeper came to mind. I know the life that I’d want to live, even if all I can do at the moment is know what it feels and sounds like. But, there is a hesitation there. A resistance that I noticed today. What am I afraid will happen if I dare to live a life that I want?

I was afraid that if I asked for what it is that I want from this life, that the next progression would be death; that I would have nothing else to live for. There was a place deep down within me that felt that “living your best life” as Oprah would say, was only awarded for the few, and not the whole. Could it be that I was more committed to the struggles and bumps of life than I was to taking risks to live the life that I’d love?

I can’t say I have all the answers tied up in a bow at the end of all of this. The only thing I can say, is that I have ignored my dream life out of fear. A fear that would’ve rather I just “gone with the motions” and not boldly proclaim that I am deserving and worthy of everything this life has to offer. I have to challenge myself to see my life differently. I don’t know it all now, but I’m too aware to not move forward.

100 Questions: Day 84

How can I be more honest with those who are close to me?

You ever hear the saying, “You have to show people how to treat you?” Well, I would like to build on that just a teeny bit to include that how you treat others could be a mirror in how you treat yourself. What are some of the reasons why we aren’t 100% authentic to the people closest to us? I have a few reasons:

  • We fear isolation from the collective. As much as individuality is “celebrated”, what actually is accepted is the norm.
  • The very real fear of rejection. By being honest with people, there is a possibility that they are not open or won’t be receptive to your honesty. So in an attempt to keep them in your life, you shield certain truths.
  • Going against social and cultural norms (if that’s what your honesty does) is a dangerous but courageous act. Most people lack the confidence and support (see point #2) to carry out such an act.

So…what does that list have to do with you? My theory is that the first person we start lying to in life is ourselves. We say, “No one will understand why I like Friends and Future” or that in telling the truth the way we perceive it, that it’ll alienate the very people we desire to be our most authentic self. Honesty starts with yourself. It’s not whining or complaining to tell yourself, “I’m not okay today”.

The way I see being more honest with others is first being comfortable with being honest with myself. Even when its uncomfortable.

100 Questions: Day 83

What miracles have I recently witnessed? 

It’s amazing that this question comes up on the last day at my job. I’ve been here for close to 5 years and when my boss sat all of us in the department down and told us that we wouldn’t be working there anymore, I was shocked. The silver lining (if you even want to call it that) was that my boss could only keep one of us in the department. Everybody just knew it would be me. Everybody whispered that, because I had been in the company the longest, that I was the shoe-in to be the cheese that stands alone. But, Life had other plans and I wasn’t chosen…and it has been the best decision ever.


The week I found out that I wasn’t going to work at my current job anymore, I got an e-mail from an agency looking for potential clients. So in the spirit of being proactive, I sent my CV and resume in. The recruiter called me that afternoon; eager to meet with me and get me in a place of employment. Yesterday, a guy on my floor that I have talked to in passing for years stopped by to tell me that it was on his spirit to talk to me. He runs a performance troupe and he feels that I can help him out. Then another lady that I assisted in the past told me about a position she feels that I would be perfect for. On top of that, my work Auntie put in so many good words for me when she heard I was leaving that I just felt overwhelmed with emotion and love.

The miracle, aside from knowing that the Universe is providing me with such abundance, is that I’m witnessing the love and appreciation that I show for people being multiplied in my own situation. I’d been talking about wanting a village and unbeknownst to me, I’ve had one all along at my job. It just didn’t look or talk the way I thought it would. I leave my job today with such a light heart and know that I’m being encouraged and guided by not only God, but by the people that have assembled into my life. THAT’S the real miracle.

100 Questions: Day 82

What drama can I disengage with? 

I enjoy social media. I have to like it to some degree because I have my own personal blog, lol! I’m also a bit of a cultural junkie in the sense that I enjoy (now in moderation) a slice of celebrity gossip. The latest piece that has gotten my attention was Victor Cruz and his fiancee, Elaina.


There are plenty of stories on what’s going on between them, but what I’m focusing on is my response to it. I have a very strong stance on women who decide to confront the mistress (or mistresses, depending on how your man gets around) instead of the offending partner. I feel like I hear this story so much; how a woman finds out that her man is cheating and instead of packing her things and leaving, she lashes out at the other women; calling them names and degrading them. Filling themselves up with an air of importance because they have the ring and the house…even though they don’t have their man’s attention or even affection. So I got upset and on my personal page, I made an open letter of the sort about her. How after going through his phone and getting proof that he’s cheated that she won’t leave. I’ve always been a champion for the underdog, even if the underdog is a side chick to a very famous athlete.

I’ve realized that I spoke on a situation that I know very little about. I talked about a woman that I don’t know. I also tore down another woman, which is what I don’t want to do or even be known for anymore. So today, I am making a promise to myself. I want to at the very least, have compassion for every woman. If my opinion wasn’t asked in a certain situation, I’m just going to leave it alone. There is a drama in getting involved in other people’s personal affairs. You feel like the authority and wield your opinion accordingly. I’ll admit that I saw this from my own vantage point and knowing my “deal breakers” is cheating. I judged a woman because she didn’t handle it the way that I felt she should’ve, and that was wrong.

My pre-school teacher had the best Life Hack in the world: If you don’t have nothing nice to say, don’t say it at all.

100 Questions: Day 81

What patterns keep repeating in my life, and what can I learn from them? 

I had to sit with this question pretty much the entire day. For me to really answer this question, I had to acknowledge when something happens to me often, which I’m not really the best at. Then, around 3:30 p.m. something happened to me.

I got laid off from work.


The pattern isn’t me being laid off from work. No, the pattern is the train of thought that happens prior to me being released from my job. The, I know this job is keeping my lights on but I’m not happy. I can’t wait to leave this job and find something better, chatter. Before the meeting, I had written dozen of posts about how I was ready for the next chapter in my life, but in the past when that would happen, I would complain. I would worry about the unknown. I would get scared about what was coming next and cling to whatever came my way. But last night, I had a dream about something similar. I’ve been in this place before. I know what’s the worse that can happen to me because I’ve lived through it and made it out pretty okay. So after the initial shock over hearing my boss tell me that the executives was dismantling my department, I felt something totally different.

I. Felt. Free.

I’ve been enjoying running errands during the day when it’s calm and peaceful on the road. I’d love to start being disciplined where I can work for myself. I’d been hearing whispers about the direction that I should be going in for a while now; that I should be working for a non-profit. If I’ve learned anything from the past patterns of wanting a change in my life and actually getting it, I think I’ve learned it today. That when the change comes, embrace it! Invite it inside and let it get comfortable, even if it feels clumsy and uneasy. And if you want your life to stay the same and stay comfortable, then don’t ask for anything different! But I have to warn you: when Change comes, it’ll shake your foundation; especially if it comes for your own good.

Don’t fight it. Ever.

Previous Older Entries


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 312 other followers