100 Questions: Day 67 

Who can I forgive? 

I thought of a myriad of people that I could say and they’d all be the usual suspects: myself, an old love, my parents. But, I’m going to go with the first person who came to mind: Professor Stevens* 

Professor Stevens was my Intro to Journalism teacher who always sent my paper back with tons of red notes on them. The professor who my best was never good enough. But I was determined; I wanted to be a writer and one day, run my own magazine. I came to him after class one day and asked him what I could do to pass the class. I’ll never forget what he said next. Professor Stevens, with a smile and a halfhearted laugh told me, “Change your major.” That was the end of the conversation, and my dream came to a hault. 

I never forgave him for taking me off course because I was too busy blaming myself for not being strong enough. So today, I forgive you. I forgive you for not seeing my potential. I forgive the way you handled me that afternoon in your classroom. I forgive you for not knowing how to nurture my gift of creative writing. I finally forgive you, Professor.

*Name has been changed not to protect him, but because I genuinely forgot his name. It’s been that long. 

  

100 Questions: Day 66

What have I denied myself that I really want? 

Editor’s Note: Yes, I’m starting this back up, or rather…I’m here to finish what I started. My thoughts have been all over the place lately and thanks to the morning meditation I’ve been (consistently) doing, I feel more centered and ready to answer these questions again. Also, with bringing back me answering questions, I will be replacing the Tarot Card of the Day, for an Adventure Card of the Day. Courtesy of the deck I was gifted with: Anywhere Travel Guide. So, on to today’s answer!

I want to live a life that I love. A life that feels right for me, not one that looks good to others. And sitting here, I realized that I’ve denied myself that simple pleasure because of how uncomfortable it made other people. My trip to South Africa was something for me, but it made my parents anxious. I use to explore the city all the time; going into random restaurants, strolling around. I stopped doing that for a few reasons: the guy I was dating at the time hated any form of change and the downtown area even more, and I just stopped enjoying taking the Metro home late at night. I started telling myself over and over, “you’ll go to that restaurant next week when you get some money” or “we’ll see what the weather is like”. I love to indulge, be it on a small or large scale. I’m a firm believer that life is meant to be enjoyed…and here I am, denying the one thing I believe in. I love traveling. I love live music. Eating with my hands. I love laughter. Watching the sun rise and set over each new day. Driving with no destination in mind. To enjoy sweets without worrying about how the scale won’t tip in my favor. These are just a few things I really want. So, I have to work on getting them. Regardless of how it makes anyone feel.

Even myself.

adventure card

#XD7 – Conclusion – The Home

Alexis didn’t think that her whirlwind summer fling would come to this: sitting in silence, barely acknowledging each other’s presence as the highway seemed to go on for miles. Ever since they left her mother’s house, he has been very distant towards her. The few times Darius did speak to her was to ask if she was okay or needed to stop. The smile she become accustomed to seeing was no longer; instead he was focused on the road ahead Alexis thought of what she could say to break the tension between them, but could only think of one thing.  She placed her hand ontop of his.

“I’m sorry.” she said almost in a whisper.

Darius sighed. He grabbed her hand and pressed the back of it on his lips; a gesture that sent waves up Alexis’ body.

“I’m sorry, too.”

*                                   *                                  *                              *                                    *                                    *

Alexis returned back to the flat to see Andrea sitting on the couch, reading a magazine.

“Girl, where have you been?! I haven’t seen you in weeks!” she stormed off the couch.

“I went out.” Alexis waved off; too busy in her own head to fully give her roommate any real energy.

“You know today’s the 15th and did you at least call your mom? I can’t keep paying rent…..”

Alexis walked to her room and closed the door. She plopped down on her bed and thought about her week. She heard her roommate talking through the door but she didn’t care.

She had to blog about her summer.

#XD7 – Seven – The Conversation 

Darius rushed after Alexis, who has steamrolled out of the house.

“Wait! Hold up!” he quickened his pace to catch up to her. The two not-so-strangers stopped on the middle of the lawn. Darius grabbed Alexis’ arm and motioned for her to turn in his direction. Alexis spun so hard that her unruly natural curls flew into her face. She blew them out of her face and stared into her Sexy Stranger. Darius. His eyes were a pool of confusion and warmth.

“What the hell was that back there?” he said, pointed back at her childhood home. “Is that how you talk to your mom?”

Alexis felt a sharp pain in her heart. She felt that he was judging her; erasing all of the fun they had together over a few words that meant nothing to her. Why is he being so rash? And why did this bother me so much? Do I…LIKE like him?!

“Yes, and so?” Alexis looked down at her feet, which she was fidgeting before he looked up at him. “I just don’t like her all up in my business, that’s all.”

“She loves you. She cares about you. She’s your damn mother, for Christ sake!” he said; each sentence louder than the last.

“Right. MY mother. So I’ll talk to her how I want to, and you talk to your mother how YOU want to. Agreed?” she looked to see that it was him now looking at his feet.

“We should…get going now.”

#XD7 – Six – The Relatives

When they arrived, Alexis’ mother, Beverly, was more accommodating than she anticipated, which made her nauseous.

“Please, help yourself to whatever you like! We were just sitting down for dinner.” Beverly said bubbly to the addition at the family table.

“Thank you, ma’am.” he replied. “Everything looks delicious.”

“Now, is there anything you don’t eat?” she motioned for him to sit at the table. Alexis spoke up.

“No, he eats everything. Especially my pussy.”

“Alexis!” her mother shrieked.  “I’m sorry….um….”

“Darius, ma’am.” he finally said with a smile.

“Yes. Well, you have to forgive her. She can be a bit…blunt.” she chuckled nervously at her daughter, who looked down at her nails. “Are you going to join us?”

“Sure, mom.” she said nonchalantly. “After having a bunch of sex for weeks on end, you work up an appetite.”

“Lex, nobody cares about your sex life.” her brother, Simon said as he came down the stairs, staring at his phone.

Beverly quickly changed the subject. “So how is Andrea?”

“Okay.”

“So…are you okay with the rent? Because you didn’t deposit the last check I sent? Is everything okay.”

Alexis slammed her hands on the table. “Dammit, Mom! That’s why I never come over here. I’m with a man I have incredible, mind-blowing sex with after meeting him at a gas station and you nag me about rent?! You’ve never believed in me. Ugh! Come on, let’s go.” she motioned to Darius, a man whose name she just learned.

#XD7 – Five – The Detour

I could fall in love with this woman. 

He looked in his rear view mirror to see her, curled up on his makeshift bed, asleep. He loved watching her sleep; watching her chest rise and fall. He loved that as much as the sex and man, the sex! The first night, she was very aggressive; grabbing his back and pulling him closer. Her tongue traced the inside of his mouth hungrily, and he matched her vigor. When he first entered her, she didn’t flinch like most women he’d slept with. Instead, it was as if her body was like a LEGO piece; just waiting for him. He felt in sync for the first time in his life.

This became their ebb and flow. Each morning, he would do a delivery and pick up a new shipment. Depending on the state, he would take his lady out on the town where they would have more sex. More brazen than the last time. Whether it was in a Gap dressing room at the Mall of America or the woods of Yosemite Park, she was always ready and eager. But he started to love more about her; like when she would tilt her head when she laughed.

He saw her stirring on the bed. “Where are we going?” she said half-sleep.

“We’re on our way to Washington, DC.” he said back

She stretched and crawled up behind his chair, kissing him on his neck.

“Could we stop somewhere while we’re there?”

#XD7 – Four – The Ride

“You don’t have a lot of people in here, do you?” Alexis finally broke the silence in the truck with Sexy Stranger. She had no idea where they were going. She was actually too mesmerized by her bold actions to even ask. Plus the roads at night were so peaceful that she just preferred to enjoy the ride.

The Sexy Stranger cleared his throat. “I…usually get an occasional hitchhiker but…no.” he fumbled with his words a little, as if he was nervous. “I’m sorry. Am I being too quiet?”

Alexis touched his arm playfully and felt his defined biceps. She tingled at the thought of those same biceps wrapped around her. “Oh, no!” she playfully giggled. “It’s just that…you seemed to be focused on the road.”

He smiled and Alexis saw those dimples again. Deeply ingrained into his cheeks. The dimples that made her hop into his truck. Abandon her life and home.

“I take this route all the time, so I’m not that focused.” he said. “I was just thinking.”

“Care to share?”

Sexy Stranger looked Alexis in the eyes. They’re so beautiful.

“I”m wondering what a beautiful girl like you is doing getting into big rigs.”

Alexis unfastened her seat belt and climbed out of the seat; slyly checking to see if he was peeking at her butt. She crawled back onto the bed where she stretched out on her side.

“I’m doing this.” she said seductively. “Now, pull over.”

This was the first ride.

#XD7- Three- The Meeting

It’s almost as if he could hear his mother’s voice clear as day as soon as he locked eyes with her.

“Get yourself a wife so I won’t worry about you so much.” 

It was as if his mom arranged this encounter at a gas station store because she knew her son and she knew that even in her death, she needed to intervene. She knew once her son heard of her passing that he would take the money she left him for a single family home and place it into a 18-wheel truck. She knew her only son would rather be alone, driving across the country out of fear of losing another loved one than settle. And that’s why their eyes met. 

“Nice try, Ma.” he smiled to himself as he walked out the store. He approached his truck and checked the gas nozzle.  Finished. Now I can get back on track. Another woman’s voice called out to him. 

“You mind if I join you?” 

#XD7- Two – The Store

Alexis always loved the gas station store around the corner from her loft. She never had the patience to go to regular grocery stores or the big cart, big assed, stopping in the middle of the aisle losers who shop there. She entered the store and was immediately welcomed by the smell of stale coffee and the low hum of the florescent lights above. These things comforted her as she walked to her favorite aisle – cakes. She shuffled through the shelves looking for her favorite: orange creme cupcakes. Yes! she whispered as she grabbed every cupcake off the shelves.

“Should I get chips, too? ” Alexis thought aloud while searching the chip aisle. She fumbled with the packages of cupcakes in her hand while reaching for a bag of Funyans and hot Cheetos. Alexis thought she had a grip on everything, but one determined pack slipped out of the comfortable fold in her arm and onto the floor. As she was reaching for it, she noticed a hand reach for it.

“I’m getting it!” Alexis said but the hand already picked it up.

“It’s okay. You look like you needed some help. You know they have hand carts here?” the hand placed the cupcake back in Alexis’ arm and flashed a smile. Alexis was curious about this strange man with deep dimples. Her eyes traced all over his body. Measured his outline. Looked for a print. The friendly hand smiled at Alexis and walked towards the door.

Alexis wanted some more.

#XD7- One- The Rent

Alexis stared at her Macbook screen. The cursor blinked on the blank screen; as if it was an impatient lover waiting for her to decide what to eat for dinner. She stared at the screen as if she was waiting for the words to magically form and create her blog post. But no ideas came to her, at least they would’ve if her roommate wasn’t banging on the door so loudly, she thought.

“Lex. LEX!” her roommate, Andrea banged on the door with the palm of her hand. “We gotta…”

Alexis swung the door open and let out a sigh. “I’m trying to write.” she scoffed.

“You know that the rent is due on the 15th.” Andrea was annoyed that she had to remind her every single month of this occurrence as if she was twelve.

“Okay, well lend me the money.” Alexis stuck her hand out.

“Oh come on! It’s only $650. Why don’t you ask…”

“No. And you know why I can’t.

It was Andrea’s turn to scoff. “It can’t be all that bad between you two. All you have to do is call…”

Alexis pushed past her nagging roommate and reached for her jacket and keys. “Yeah, sure. I’ll ‘call’. Like my calls don’t automatically go to voicemail.”

“You’re being dramatic, Lex. Just call and get the rent money ON TIME this month. I’d hate to have to put your stuff out.”

Alexis blew a kiss and raised her middle finger on the way out the door.

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