There’s a beautiful blend of the moisture of yellow cake and the sweetness of butter cream frosting that I fell in love with as a kid. My parents didn’t seem to mind, considering their only goal was to keep me from not eating chocolate for a fear of getting cavities. But there was only one catch: I could only enjoy this treat whenever someone had a birthday. So I grew up with this being a luxury. Of course as time has progressed, I’ve gained a love for a lot of pastries, but traditional (or as i call it, birthday cake) cake always wins with me. So imagine my surprise when last night I got a craving for cake and didn’t eat any.
Usually when I get the craving to have some cake, I get it. It’s there, I have the money for it, and I get to go home with either a small 9-inch cake or a single layer sheet cake. So it doesn’t have to be my birthday for me to have any cake. So yesterday I was at work doing what I normally do; spreadsheet work, part-time therapist for whoever comes into my office to vent, and meetings. I began to just crave something sweet, and since I had to go to the store for groceries anyway, I figured, “Why not slide a sheet cake in my basket?” So I made my way to the Bakery. First off, they had nothing but chocolate, which I’m not a fan of. So I went to the display case and looked at all the cakes. Finally, I found a traditional cake. My birthday cake. I went to reach for it when that little voice said,
“You know you don’t want that cake, for real. Why are you reaching for that cake? What value do you get from having cake right now at this very moment? Maybe you’re just thirsty. What does this cake mean to you, honestly?”
Traditional “birthday” cake symbolized in that moment for me instant gratification. I don’t need permission to eat it, I don’t need a special occasion to have it. When I cut my slice, I can make it as big or as small as I want, every time I want it. It’s what I want. That’s when it hit me: I wasn’t getting what I want in my own life, so I go for the one thing I can get easily and be happy in that moment. There’s a void in my life that I was going to fill up with cake. I’m aware of this now because in the past, I would just eat cake until I got sick, THEN feel bad that I ate so much. But now I see this void as being a lack of fulfillment. That I’m not asking for what I want in my own life. That it’s time to get focused and honest about what it is that I need for me to feel satisfied. It’s time for me to claim it; the things, the situations, the experiences that I want for my life and not being afraid to say them aloud. Then, go for everything or at the very least, believe that it’s already coming.
I’d still love some cake. Just not today.